A lot of people are confused about going to heaven; what should I wear, what if I am late, should I bring a gift? Here is some practical advice from a scholar who has his associates degree in theology.

drink lots of water. they might want a urine sample.

prepare for a polygraph. you know what you did in junior high. naughty.

bring your passport so the ushers will know where to seat you.


i am teaching my dog to drive. think about it. if the rapture occurs while i am driving with my dog next to me, then the truck will crash and burn. teach dogs to drive, save a life.

i shave my head, because, if i am getting a fancy style and jesus calls me home then i will only have half a hair style. embarrassing; um, hi Jesus, yeah, i was just getting a hair cut when you called…

i never go to the movies. what if i was in a movie theater when jesus comes back? i would miss the end of the movie.

i will never travel to scotland. if the rapture occurs while i am there and a bunch of scottish men fly up first, what kind of view will i have when i look up?

practice looking surprised. what if there is a surprise party in heaven for you, you’ll want to look pleasantly surprised. and have a speech ready.

i should get used to girl talk. i’m am not sure how many of my friends will be in heaven, but my wife’s friends will be there. i’ll leave half a six pack in the garage for my buddies.

rubber gloves. i should always carry a pair of rubber gloves in case i get into heaven. i will either be washing (lots) of dishes, or cleaning up after elephants. there will be elephants in heaven just for this reason.

avoid the plantation. if the coconut and pineapple pickers go up first, they might drop coconuts and pineapples on your head.

wear goggles at all times. it might rain.

I hope this helps, religion can be confusing. I also want to clarify one more thing. A lot of people are confused about what kind of bird a dolphin is. It is a featherless, flightless bird that always swims into the sunset.