It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (If you were raised by a bikers, militia or good country folk!)


1. hundreds of candy canes 2. a good red wine 3. good coffee 4. Benetton fashion condoms 5. fifty-pack of rockets 6. large fountain fire works 7. small fountain fire works 8. large bottle rockets

No one celebrates Christmas like I do. I’m like an armed, pole-dancing librarian. My good wig is at the cleaners and I just got a new tie to match my new apron, which is all I’ll be wearing.

My goal weight for this year is twenty-eight pounds. If I work hard and don’t stop eating, I know I can gain it! I have six Shamrock shakes in the freezer, a new gardening spade to eat potatoes and gravy, and I plan on having “nibble stations” around the apartment. It’s the nibbling that adds the real weight. We’ll have six in the apartment: two in the bathroom, one by the bed, one in the balcony, one by the gun rack and one “emergency” pack in my coat pocket.

Each station will have: glazed ham, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (vintage 1974), scrambled eggs with Tabasco sauce, caramel bits and sprinkles, sausage doughnuts and sauerkraut (imported from Germany) and Doritos with caviar.

I’d post before and after pictures, but I’m still tangled in restraining orders from last Christmas.